I'm sure I'm just like everyone else. I'm positive that I'm not much different than the rest of the human race in that I see all my own flaws clearly--even if no one else does. If I were half the person other people think I am, I'd be whole.

Why can't I seem to get my shift in gear? Why??

Why do I stop myself with the "tomorrow" promise?

Why does tomorrow never seem to arrive for me?

... I feel so lost...

I must start looking at myself. I have avoided myself for decades. I am caught in a vicious circle of inertia--and I have put myself here.

I am overweight.

I am out of shape.

I am sad.

I don't feel worthy of feeling well.

Some of this is conditioning, most of this is choice. I have chosen to be conditioned. I have copped out on myself. Until now.... or what passes for now.

I need to change. I need to be more healthy. I need to lose weight. I need to exercise. No brainers, right? They're no-brainers if you're already there. They are giant obstacles if you're standing in my shoes. Those three things are my Mount Everests. I am at war with myself and I am losing miserably.

I can't stand to look at myself in any mirror and avoid them at all costs. I won't have my picture taken. I avoid social situations because I am chock-full of self-loathing. This has GOT to change! This is not ME! I'd like to think I'm somewhat intelligent, have a fairly good sense of humor, and am not butt-ugly (underneath all this... this... me).

What's stopping me, you ask? Fear.

I fear what I'd be like were I smaller. I fear how people will react to me being smaller. I know how I feel now. I know I am miserable, but what am I going to be like in that proverbial "after" picture? Will I lose myself- my internal self? It's about the only piece of me I like!

I am stuck in the "better the devil you know" state of inertia.

Today I begin my Grand Metamorphosis.

Today I will exercise.

Today I will begin eating better.

Today I will begin the journey of ten thousand calories.

Today I weigh 270#

Today I am 5'6" tall

Today I am in my mid-forties.

Tomorrow will be a better day.